Couples Therapy

Intimate Partnerships are Temperamental

There was a pastor of a church that I attended 35 plus years ago that introduced contemporary worship songs into our service. He interwove a few worship songs amid the traditional hymns. It all worked, with one exception. His guitar was regularly out of tune. The sound of that de-tuned guitar grated on my ears. Eventually, I could bear it no more and volunteered to tune his guitar before every service. He confessed that he tuned before he left home each week. But by the time he got to church to play, it was so out of tune it was painful to hear. What happened in the few minutes from home to church? In short, guitars are very temperamental instruments, often affected by the weather and easily get out of tune. Romantic partnerships are also temperamental. Consider that a couple can leave home in harmony and in a matter of minutes arrive at church or a family event in dissonance.

Relationships and guitars naturally fall into dissonance and need constant attention and adjustments to stay in harmony. An out of tune guitar is grating to the ear. Relationship dissonance causes emotional wounds and tears the bond. Here is what is encouraging, the repair of both is well understood and often quite easy.

The Repair

Tuning a guitar is easy. It takes a reference point—knowledge and a basic skill. Relationship ‘repair’ is easy. It too takes a reference—knowledge, and a basic skill. Science verifies ‘how’ relationships fall apart, and ‘how’ they repair. The science of intimate relationships has revealed that all intimate relationships have problems and conflict. This is no epiphany. It is inspiring that social science has revealed what makes relationships thrive. Thriving couples focus on ‘how’ they manage connection and conflict. In short, it is in understanding how problematic patterns form and how the repair occurs that matters. Helping struggling couples find their way to effective connection and repair requires the knowledge and skills of a trained professional. But just not any trained professional.

Trained Professional

Seek help from a qualified professional. It would be foolish to ask a person with knowledge and skills in music, but unfamiliar with guitars to tune a guitar. In the same way it is unwise to seek relationship help from a therapist who lacks advanced training in intimate partner bonds and repairs. Further, the science and treatment of distressed relationships advances over time. The successful couples therapist continues to learn the craft across his/her career. Sadly, there are therapies practiced that have little to no research evidence that substantiate their effectiveness. Even worse, some of them seem to do harm. One of the empirically supported approaches to relationship counseling that we use at Cherry Hill is called Emotionally Focused Therapy, pioneered by Dr. Susan Johnson.

We at Cherry Hill believe a therapist should continue to seek advanced training throughout his/her career. As a result, all our therapists are strongly encouraged to continue to enhance their knowledge and skills of their chosen clientele served. Whether you seek help at Cherry Hill, or elsewhere, it is crucial that you inquire of the therapist’s advanced training. Has she or he received and advanced training in the help you are seeking?

Reaching out for help is a courageous first step. We at Cherry Hill understand this, are honored that you have called us, and will work to treat you with respect for this courageous first step. Further, we are committed to providing competent care from a therapist that has a dedication to enhance their knowledge and skills in working with distressed relationships. We believe we can help and look forward to hearing from you!